the tearstains left behind

April 2024 (First Round)
Genre: Drama
Action: Throwing a Tantrum
Word: Deal
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 100 words

I can only stare as the front door slams and Chloe runs after her mother. Already screaming, Chloe pounds the wood with chubby three-year-old fists until she melts into a hysterical puddle on the floor. I want to tell her it’ll be okay; her mother will come back. My daughter will come back.

But those lies won’t change the hand we’ve been dealt.

Instead, I sit beside her, my tears adding to the splotches Chloe’s already made on the linoleum. “I’m here.”

It’s all I can offer, but when her dimpled hand squeezes my wrinkled one, I know it’s enough.

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This one came in first (🎉) in its group, and the feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2370}  You did a great job at portraying the scene, providing great imagery and details (chubby fists, tears on the linoleum), and provoking intense emotions in your reader. You only had a few words to work with, and you did a really great job.

{2314}  There’s great subtlety at work here. Obviously Chloe’s responses are dialed up. In contrast, our narrator is subdued, a person who perhaps has dealt with grief before a few times in their life. It works well.

{2369}  This story is heartbreaking. That poor baby. And poor grandparent. The emotions of this piece are spot on and well done. Every word does work and is needed. A vivid story that is well told.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2370}  One minor suggestion is that I don’t think you need to say “three-year-old fists.” I think you could change that to toddler or just say chubby fists. We can infer her age thanks to other descriptions you include and through Chloe’s behavior.

{2314}  I found myself feeling this story is good – when it has the potential to be great. I think it’s in the details. You’ve given us a broad scenario – family dealing with grief. Refracted through an older person, dealing with a younger person. I found myself wanting some other x factor – either in style, or characterization, to elevate the premise. 

{2369}  There’s not much of anything I would suggest for improvement. This story is easy to understand but has enough depth for the reader to feel something. My only thought is that 3 seems a bit young for Chloe to understand and be able to do anything other than cry and throw a fit for her mama. You don’t say she does understand, but somehow it still feels that she does. The image of a dimpled hand squeezing a wrinkled one is so beautiful that I hesitate to ask you to change it, so maybe consider making Chloe just a touch older?

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Thanks for reading! You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.