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NYC Midnight Challenge – Scary Story Challenge – Second Round – The Lesser of Two Devils

The Lesser of Two Devils

January 2025 (Second Round)
Scare: Road Trip
Action: Getting A Sunburn
Character: A Scammer
Time Constraint: 48 hours
Length: 400 words

I shouldn’t be doing this—driving into the desert with a sack of money is a sign you’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere. But when your sister’s sicko ‘boyfriend’ calls you at the devil’s hour so you can hear her scream for rescue, you follow her down whatever path you must.

The foster homes my sister and I survived forged us into a package deal, so it didn’t take long for Jeff to figure out how to scam us. At this point, we practically reek of famished desperation, with an aversion to law enforcement that must’ve seemed irresistible.

So I hurtle toward the remote coordinates with my heart in my throat. Hunger gnaws at my belly, and my skin burns under the sun’s rays through my open windows whistling in the desiccated air.

An eternity passes before I arrive at the tall rock formation where two cars squat in the shade. Three men surround Grace where she sits, gagged and zip-tied, at their feet. Adrenaline races through me.

This is evil.

Still, I park the car and step onto the sandy earth with shaky legs. “I have the money.” My voice cracks, and I try to swallow, but all the moisture has left my mouth. Everything rides on this.

“Toss it over.” Jeff’s lip curls. “Keys too.”

And there it is. My sister raises her gaunt, tear-streaked face, and a bleak realization jumps between us. I want to tell her I’m sorry, that I’d turn back the clock to a time before monsters if I could. Instead, I throw the items to Jeff. “Let Grace go.”

Their lascivious sneers twist into a deeper ugliness. “And now we have two,” Jeff chuckles.

I scan the desert, but it will bear no witness, so I meet Grace’s pleading gaze. “It’s okay.”

Her shoulders sag, and as the men stalk forward, I let out a shaky breath of pure—

Relief.

Finally, we can eat.

Grace breaks her bindings, and her teeth sink into Jeff’s throat before he can scream. Crimson paints the golden sand as we feast.

Because, yes, we are evil.

And we shouldn’t be doing this.

But in this corner of Death Valley, the larger devils feast on the smaller ones—and we refuse to be small anymore.

After all, if this is the path I must take to feed my sister, I’ll take a road trip through hell any day.

This one came in fifth place in my group and advanced me to the final round. The feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2124}  “The Lesser of Two Devils” creates a believable bond between these two sisters almost immediately, which is essential to carrying the story. You can feel the care the protagonist has for Grace, especially in the paragraph where she wants to apologize.

{1943}  Wow. This was a very surprising and intriguing story. I liked the reference to the devil in the first paragraph, which created a strong atmosphere and frightening tone at the start of the story. The characterization of Jeff was very strong. I shuddered at him insisting she threw the money and the keys, and I got chills at the statement “And now we have two.” The sudden energy as Grace broke through and attacked Jeff was startling and thrilling. I loved this idea of the “larger devils” feasting on the smaller ones. This was an extremely satisfying ending!

{2376}  You do an excellent job of hooking the reader in with a compelling opening line, and the way you establish the intense stakes with the image of Grace screaming for help over the phone sparks a riveting sense of suspense. The way you leave the reader to assume that our character is way over her head while subtly setting up the reveal to come is some really impressive writing, and the surface tension of the scene before Grace breaks her bindings leaves the reader hanging in dread for the moment we think we’re headed for. The reversal of Grace biting Jeff is one of the best twists I’ve seen anywhere in a long time. And the way that you bring everything together with the callbacks to earlier lines as the story winds down leaves the reader with a delightfully dark ending.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2124} Although it’s clear that “The Lesser of Two Devils” is stepping carefully in an attempt to set up its reveal, the first half of this story feels disconnected from the second. There’s a hard pivot from Grace seeming helpless to being a monster in no real danger from Jeff. In a longer story, there would be ample space to explore what moral and emotional concerns could be leashing Grace while keeping all of the introduction and more. There isn’t the case here. Consider trimming details in the first half of this story in order to make room for foreshadowing and hints that something beyond physical limitations is constraining Grace (something that would also help characterize her and her sister more). If done tactfully, this won’t give anything away while also making the story smoother. As far as suggestions for cutting, it might be beneficial to trim the sentence-long description of our protagonist’s dry mouth. Also consider condense the introduction – particularly the last sentence; do we need the “aversion to law enforcement” portion? Would “isolation” or another word work in its stead? How many instances of “and” could you cut from this story; how many adjectives are truly pulling their weight? You’re good at what you do. Condense this story to its desperate, nasty core.  

{1943}  I felt that at times, your sentences became a little long and unwieldy. For example, I wasn’t sure that you needed “whistling in the desiccated air” at the end of the paragraph describing her driving towards her sister. You might also consider phrases such as “but all the moisture has left my mouth”, where you’d already shown that she was struggling to swallow. We knew it was hot, so I’m not sure we needed this detail. I wasn’t sure that you needed the quotation marks around “boyfriend” in your first paragraph. I found this a bit distracting, and it created a pause in the flow of the story just as you were pulling us in. I would simply call him her sicko boyfriend, and let us figure out that he was untrustworthy, which you’d really told us with the fact that he was a “sicko”. If the intention was to show us that he wasn’t actually her boyfriend because Grace was conning Jeff by pretending to be his girlfriend, this also felt unnecessary. I would simply let us assume that he was her boyfriend before this drama unfolded. 

{2376}  There’s so much already going right in this story, but something you might consider in a potential revision would be end with the line “and we refuse to be small anymore.” The final line of the current draft leaves us with a satisfying punchline that releases the tension you’ve built up so well, but something you might try instead would be to let the tension linger, leaving the reader with a more ominous cliffhanger of an ending with the suggestion that this is only the beginning and these sisters are now out for revenge. Another idea you might consider would be to provide a hint of what’s to come in the line “My sister raises her gaunt, tear-streaked face, and a bleak realization jumps between us.” You do such a great job of sustaining the misdirection right up to the moment of the reveal, but you might also try pulling a thread loose by tweaking this line so that Grace does something unexpected. If, for example, you recast this line as something like a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth in place of the bleak realization, you could present the reader with a strange moment that will spark a sense of mystery, leaving us with the feeling that we should’ve seen the twist coming, even if the story’s so well constructed that there’s no way we ever would.

Thanks for reading! You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.

Posted on by hrchow12

NYC Midnight Challenge – Scary Story Challenge – First Round – A Siren Calls

A Siren Calls

October 2025 (First Round)
Scare: Tomorrow
Action: Updating
Character: A Doorman
Time Constraint: 48 hours
Length: 400 words

The emergency sirens split the scream-ridden air as we race toward the shelter. The alarms have been going off for hours now, and at this point, I doubt there’s anyone left to turn them off. Shattering glass and gunshots pepper the panicked streets as the clock ticks toward midnight, the uncanny lights hovering above the city. Sophie clings to me as I run while tugging Liam along with one hand and updating my voicemail with our destination for the friends and family I couldn’t reach.

“What about Daddy?” Liam shrieks as we dodge around a raving drunk.

“He’ll meet us there.” The lie is sour on my tongue, but I wasted so much time trying to contact my shifty ex-husband with the tomorrow ultimatum breathing down our necks. I gave him as many minutes as I could, but nightmares require sacrifices.

We turn the corner, and finally the solid concrete building of town hall comes into view with four minutes left.

A tall man in a bullet-proof vest with a rifle slung over his shoulder stands in front of the door. Chest heaving, I stagger up to him and flash the email on my phone. “We’re assigned to this shelter.”

A baseball cap obscures his eyes, and a neck gaiter is pulled up over his nose, muffling his voice. “We’re full.”

I freeze, blood roaring in my ears as Sophie whimpers into my shoulder. “But they said we’d be safe here,” I say. “Where else are we supposed to go?”

“Go home,” the doorman says.

I shove my phone in his face, only two minutes left and sweat running down my nose. “We’ll never make it.”

“Andrea.” The doorman squeezes my arms, and I finally recognize my ex, his gaze fervent. “It’s full.”

The siren falls silent and with it, the city, as if the world collectively holds its breath.

“But, Matt, they’re feeding…” Tears trickle down my cheeks, and my gaze darts to the threatening lights now blotting out the darkness. I tried to protect my babies. I swear, God, I tried.

The hungry lights pinpoint the building, and a massive, inhuman shadow drops from the sky onto the roof. I gasp, my body going rigid. They’re coming for us.

Matt folds us in his arms, hiding Liam’s face. “Don’t look.”

And when the screams start, and blood sprays the windows from the inside—I remember.

Nightmares require sacrifices.

This one came in third place in my group and advanced me to round 2. The feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2549}  The setting is super interesting and creatively sci-fi creepy. I loved it! The story’s urgency is evident through word choices (nouns and verbs) such as emergency sirens, split, shrieks, roaring, and the world collectively holds its breath. The twist in the end, where Matt seems to allow the people IN the shelter to become the sacrifice, is quite unexpected. Nice job.  

{2144}  I really like the set up of the story and the way you drop us right in the middle of the action. The sounds of the chaos around the narrator and her children, them having to run to the shelter with just minutes to spare, and the blaring sirens all really provide a lot of tension and urgency to the story from the very get-go. I also really love the silence that happens the minute it actually turns to midnight. The sudden change in atmosphere really gives a quick glimpse of the scale of things to come. 

{2573}  That last line sent a proper shiver down my spine! This was such a complex story to fit into such a small word count and I really liked the sci-fi aspect of it. The shifty ex-husband that turns out to be protecting her was a nice touch. Updating the voicemail with a location was a brilliant way to include the prompt – really original! I liked the twist too – that the safe zone she’d been assigned to was in fact a kill shelter of sorts. The whole piece had very WWII vibes to it, with the sirens and gunfire feeling reminiscent of the blitz, and the town hall feeling like a gas chamber. Add a little War of the Worlds and you’re right there. I don’t know if that was intentional, but it brought to mind a very vivid picture for me.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2549}  A craft issue of clarity happens here: “I wasted so much time trying to contact my shifty ex-husband with the tomorrow ultimatum breathing down our necks. I gave him as many minutes as I could, but nightmares require sacrifices.” Specifically, what is the tomorrow ultimatum, why does it matter, and how come it’s not mentioned again? Does it have a connection to the story’s ending? Clarity is perhaps the most important writing element to master in flash fiction because we get so few words to get the meaning across. You can fix the issue in a couple of ways. 1. Cut the reference. (I realize that also takes out “tomorrow,” but the revision is still valid. 2. Clarify what the narrator means by “tomorrow.” Again, does it foreshadow the ending? If so, help the reader understand that better. All the best to you!  

{2144}  I think the set up is so great and provides instant momentum to the story, but I’m not quite sure if I follow why Matt doesn’t let the narrator and his kids into the shelter. Is the shelter actually full? Or is Matt just being a jerk? If he also had access to the shelter, why did he not tell the protagonist and her children? I just think that the series of events as Matt denies them entry need to be a little more cohesive so we can understand why the narrator and her children are left to danger. I also think in general it would be helpful to have a line or two more about the ultimatum. I don’t quite understand what the advantage is of staying home versus being in the shelters, and more information about that would help us understand the importance of these final seconds and why it all comes down to that to try to get to a new location. 

{2573}  It’s a small thing, but I would have liked to know a bit more about the Tomorrow Ultimatum, because I didn’t really have a sense of what was happening right up until the end. I appreciate that the word count is tight, but you could take out the sentence about the alarms having been going off for hours, which would give you a few words to build the threat round the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading! You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.

Posted on by hrchow12

NYC Midnight Challenge – 250 words – First Round – Only Ashes to Mourn

Only Ashes to Mourn

December 2025 (First Round)
Genre: Historical Fiction
Action: Quenching
Word: Other
Time Constraint: 48 hours
Length: 250 words

I smelled the fire before I saw it. But even with my lips chapped by drought, I paid the wind’s taint no mind. The evening chill required our hearths to warm our stews and our bones.

But the screams from the railroad were undeniable—the glow on the horizon much too late for sunset. The flames leapt from tree to tree with wicked speed, like demons racing from hell to claim us.

Peshtigo came alive with panicked shrieks. Adrenaline blotting out all else, I raced for Beth’s house. Though we had yet to speak our vows, if the reaper was to find us, I wanted to be at her side. We crashed together on main street, the flames already licking at the roofs around us—the tears on her face glowing in the inferno.

Smoke clogged our lungs and embers peppered our skin. Elizabeth’s skirt caught flame, and in desperation, I dragged her to the well. She sobbed as I lowered her down, praying she’d survive the fall. She dropped with a splash and a hiss, the icy, knee-high water quenching her smoldering dress. I clambered after her, and we clutched one another through the night. The cold nearly killing us in hateful irony.

But perhaps the greatest irony of all was that the headlines would only remember Chicago’s flames on that same October day.

I suppose because Chicago still had people to grieve her losses.

In the mass graves of Peshtigo, there weren’t enough left of us to mourn.

Unfortunately, this one didn’t place, but the feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2501} The description throughout this story is so vivid and creates powerful images of these devastating events, allowing for a strong emotional impact. You do a great job describing feelings of fear and the terrifying sensation of running through a burning town. Elizabeth’s skirt catching fire is a particularly effective moment of building tension before it’s revealed that the narrator saves her by getting her into the well. I also thought the comparison at the end of how Chicago’s fire is remembered more even with less deaths was a powerful ending to further showcase just how tragic this event was. Overall, some of my favorite lines throughout the story include “The flames leapt from tree to tree with wicked speed, like demons racing from hell to claim us” and “Smoke clogged our lungs and embers peppered our skin.”

{2373} There’s a truly haunting story here. The author brings the horrors of the Peshtigo fire and this narrator’s plight to life through active, sharp prose. The second paragraph alone is truly horrific and paints great images of the conflagration, namely the “screams from the railroad” and the flames leaping “like demons racing from hell to claim us.” I also like how in addition to the immediate and broader external stakes for the community, the author’s woven in the personal and emotional ones with the narrator’s desperate efforts to save Elizabeth. The description of her in the well yet again highlights the author’s powerful prose (along with the irony of the cold being an antagonist): “She dropped with a splash and a hiss, the icy-knee high water quenching her smoldering dress.” Lastly, the coda works well on several levels: It both highlights the narrator’s understandable anger, while also deftly reminding us about the more famous fire that’s consumed Chicago.

{2458} Wow—your story gripped me from beginning to end with its visceral sensory imagery, use of suspense, and final note of historical irony by contextualizing the tragedy in global awareness (or the lack thereof). I especially enjoyed how you transitioned to this larger historical context with the clever parallel use of irony; just as Beth and the narrator leap from the flames to the water, you leap seamlessly from Peshtigo to the media.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

 {2501} The story could be even stronger with more personal resolution for Elizabeth and the narrator’s experience. Typically, we think of wells as being relatively deep, so I wondered if they were able to get out on their own come morning or if they had to be rescued by the few other survivors. If they needed help getting out, I think there could be power in the emotions of not knowing if there was anyone left to come help them. I also wondered if they suffered any personal losses in the fire, like family members or close friends. If so much of the population perished, it would make sense if they did, and I think seeing some of that grief at that end could be effective. To make room for these details in the word count, consider removing the first few sentences to start the story with “The screams from the railroad…”

{2373} To heighten the emotional stakes, I think it might be good to get more of a sense of why the narrator loves Beth. Given that this is a time of significant duress, that will help us see what the narrator could potentially lose in this conflagration. I also think it might be good to slow down and try to describe the increasing cold a tad more, so that we can feel that dark tension; I get that the word count limits make that tough, but I do think an additional line could heighten the terror of the cold on the page. On a micro level, I’d suggest a number of trims throughout. For example, in the second paragraph, I think the author could omit “wicked speed;” that’s clear from the emphasis on the flames leaping and in that great comparison to “demons racing from hell to claim us.” In the third paragraph, I would omit “panicked;” the shrieks strongly imply the sense of panic, given the situation. In the fourth paragraph, we also don’t need to be told that the narrator drags Elizabeth to the well “in desperation;” again, we can infer that because of her skirt’s on fire. I also think the author could omit “hateful irony” when describing how the narrator and Elizabeth almost perished. We can see that irony for ourselves; the story’s far more powerful if the author doesn’t point it out, along with directly telling us how ironic it was that Chicago burned on the same day; just mentioning Chicago alone shows us that irony, especially juxtaposed against the aftermath of Peshtigo (but that coda, again, otherwise works quite well). But I wish the author well! This piece has so much potential!

{2458} The primary feedback for improvement I have about your story regards this sentence: “Though we had yet to speak our vows, if the reaper was to find us, I wanted to be at her side.” Because the vows are never mentioned again, they felt a little ambiguous and a narrative thread left somewhat uncontextualized, and thus I think you should clarify that (I think) Beth and the narrator are engaged, to prevent any excess confusion; for me personally I only realized this after multiple reads. To make room for this relationship clarification, I recommend you cut down on some of the setup description on the fire, such as the demons comparison, which isn’t absolutely necessary to conveying the utter terror of the fire.

Thanks for reading! You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.

Posted on by hrchow12

NYC Midnight Challenge – 100 words – First Round – The Tearstains Left Behind

the tearstains left behind

April 2024 (First Round)
Genre: Drama
Action: Throwing a Tantrum
Word: Deal
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 100 words

I can only stare as the front door slams and Chloe runs after her mother. Already screaming, Chloe pounds the wood with chubby three-year-old fists until she melts into a hysterical puddle on the floor. I want to tell her it’ll be okay; her mother will come back. My daughter will come back.

But those lies won’t change the hand we’ve been dealt.

Instead, I sit beside her, my tears adding to the splotches Chloe’s already made on the linoleum. “I’m here.”

It’s all I can offer, but when her dimpled hand squeezes my wrinkled one, I know it’s enough.

This one came in first (🎉) in its group, and the feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2370}  You did a great job at portraying the scene, providing great imagery and details (chubby fists, tears on the linoleum), and provoking intense emotions in your reader. You only had a few words to work with, and you did a really great job.

{2314}  There’s great subtlety at work here. Obviously Chloe’s responses are dialed up. In contrast, our narrator is subdued, a person who perhaps has dealt with grief before a few times in their life. It works well.

{2369}  This story is heartbreaking. That poor baby. And poor grandparent. The emotions of this piece are spot on and well done. Every word does work and is needed. A vivid story that is well told.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2370}  One minor suggestion is that I don’t think you need to say “three-year-old fists.” I think you could change that to toddler or just say chubby fists. We can infer her age thanks to other descriptions you include and through Chloe’s behavior.

{2314}  I found myself feeling this story is good – when it has the potential to be great. I think it’s in the details. You’ve given us a broad scenario – family dealing with grief. Refracted through an older person, dealing with a younger person. I found myself wanting some other x factor – either in style, or characterization, to elevate the premise. 

{2369}  There’s not much of anything I would suggest for improvement. This story is easy to understand but has enough depth for the reader to feel something. My only thought is that 3 seems a bit young for Chloe to understand and be able to do anything other than cry and throw a fit for her mama. You don’t say she does understand, but somehow it still feels that she does. The image of a dimpled hand squeezing a wrinkled one is so beautiful that I hesitate to ask you to change it, so maybe consider making Chloe just a touch older?

Thanks for reading! You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.

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NYC Midnight Challenge – 100 words – Final Round – What the Children Couldn’t Save

What the Children Couldn’t Save

August 2023 (Final Round)
Genre: Open
Action: Seeing a reflection
Word: Best
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 100 words

Mama tugs Ellie toward the ship that will take them sailing through the stars, saving them from acrid air and sun-cracked soil.

But Ellie stops to pluck a flat stone from the path, then the fluffy weed beside it, sending a beetle scurrying. She skips away, admiring her colorful respirator in an iridescent puddle before splashing through it.

A century later, aboard Ark C-24, Ellie clutches her treasures, telling children of wishing flowers springing from walkways, stones dancing across glassy lakes, ladybirds bestowing luck, and water falling in gems to pool in rainbows underfoot.

Then together, they dream of home.

This one didn’t place, but the feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{1943}  This was a beautiful story, full of gorgeous images. Your worldbuilding was very strong. The contrast between the description of the remnants of nature – the fluffy weed and the beetle – and the pollution – the iridescent puddle – was ingenious. I loved the fact that the respirator appeared to be colorful and thrilling to a small child due to pollution. The idea of Ellie remembering “glassy lakes, ladybirds bestowing luck, and water falling in gems to pool in rainbows underfoot” a century later was very poignant. This was a moving, thought-provoking story. Well done.

{2063}  A short story spanning 2 centuries.  Presumably the worst case scenario of global warming has destroyed the earth.  Your visual description of the innocent little girl who skips and picks up stones, paints a picture we know well, but the the stark contrast of the respirator in the puddle brings the reality of the situation home. The second act shows Ellie, now  a mother, telling stories of her past on earth, and they all imagine a life that used to be. A tragic story, but with a glimmer of hope in the resolution, even if it is through dreaming. 

{2125}  This story of Ellie and the rest of humanity escaping environmental catastrophe is compact and strong. The details are quite realistic and the image of a child wearing a respirator to breathe on Earth is shocking but also well done. I love the details of the items she brings on the ship. The flash forward in time works well.

{1788}  Though there were only a few descriptions, the author fashioned an excellent dystopian environment. Ellie finding beauty in such a sobering setting was incredibly touching, and the fact that she held onto the objects for a century impressed the reader immensely. The children’s response to Ellie’s prized items was lovely to witness. While no one could save the Earth, it was encouraging how they embraced the remnants and held onto the history.

{1963}  Generation ship stories crop up a surprising amount, but it’s heartening to see one that can find some hope in the concept of generations, rather than all being about the admonishment of humanity. It’s also nice to see how something that seems so insignificant as a stone can gain significance over the years, which feels true to life. Refreshing work! 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{1943}  I loved the images of the fluffy weed, the beetle, ladybirds etc. I wonder if the next step might be to see where you could make some more adventurous word choices to evoke an even more vivid picture. I would consider where you might surprise us with some word choices that evoke a sensory image, maybe creating an even stronger sense of a texture, color or scent.

{2063}  Does the journey through space keep the human’s young?  As Ellie is still alive a century later. Consider how you can create more conflict in act two to produce some rising tension.  Even though the conflict might be that they have to evacuate the earth, there doesn’t seem to be any barrier here.  Try not to make it too easy for the protagonist.  Perhaps they almost don’t reach space? Or the spaceship almost breaks up on leaving the atmosphere.  Something that makes the reader believe that Ellie won’t make it.

{2125}  I might like to know how old Ellis is during the opening scene. Is she four? Eight? Twelve? That information might make us interpret the story differently. If she is under five, does she have memories of her home planet? Or are the objects all she has left? Is she sharing real memories with the children or are these memories that have been imposed on her by others? This is a strong and sharp story, but I might like a stronger sense of who Ellie was then so we can understand who she is now.

{1788}  One of the plot elements would be more believable with further attention. Ellie living for over a century was interesting, but she did grow up in an unhealthy location, so the reason for her long life should be more clear to the audience. Why not tell the reader one phrase about the ship? For instance, maybe it’s a ship that protects its inhabitants from disease/germs. That would explain her amazing health and the author could say this briefly. The plot element can definitely work, but an explanation would make it easier to accept. “What the Children Couldn’t Save” is a beautifully written and resonant sci-fi piece. Once the author touches on one aspect of the plot more, it will be a laudable microfiction work.

{1963}  The opening word “Mama” wrong-foots the reader by hinting at a first person story which remains instead in 3rd person throughout. I assume this is more about saving words than a stylistic preference, but I’d try to fix this if at all possible, as the first words are the most important for orienting the reader.

You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.

Posted on by hrchow12

NYC Midnight Challenge – Clark Kent Wears Tights

Clark kent wears tights

June 2023 (Second Round)
Genre: Comedy
Action: Putting on eyeglasses
Word: Member
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 100 words

If someone recognizes me, I’ll never survive seventh grade. I don the square black glasses and face mask, desperately channeling Clark Kent before peeking into the ballet studio at the line of pink-clad girls. Oh god, I can’t go in there. When I asked Mom for dance lessons, I wanted to try hip-hop, not social suicide.

I’m about to flee when Aphrodite herself glides toward me with a smile. “You’re the new boy?”

My heart bursts into butterfly confetti, and I suddenly remember why everyone loves Clark.

He’s totally uncool.

But he always gets the girl.

“Why, yes, I am.”

This one came in second in my group, getting me into the final round! The feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{1943}  This story had a really fun premise. I loved the image of him going in disguise because it was a ballet class. I laughed at the description of Aprhodite herself “gliding” up to greet him. So cute! The image of his heart bursting “into butterfly confetti” was lovely – this story really made me smile. Thank you for sharing it with me.   

{2138}  I really enjoyed this light and humorous piece. There’s a sweet and youthful energy throughout, and a strong sense of character via the narration: I loved his internal thought processes which also help to vividly bring the scene to life. You’ve established a great sense of pace to the narrating character’s journey too, taking him from nervous and uncertain to a quiet increase in confidence. “My heart bursts into butterfly confetti” was particularly lovely!  

{1980}  The narration in this piece is highly engaging. The narrator boasts a distinct voice, helping to establish a vivid understanding of both the immediate conflict they face and the wider world they inhabit outside of the dance studio. 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{1943}  I wonder if you needed the opening sentence. For me, the story became really engaging at “I don the square black glasses and face mask…” I think we know that he was a middle school from the fact that he wanted to try hip-hop, he used phrases such as “social suicide”, and he disguised himself to enter the dance studio. Perhaps you could work on some more middle-school style language in the opening paragraph to make sure that your characterization is very clear.

{2138}  Not much to critique here! Perhaps the only tweak I’d suggest is the combining of Clark Kent with Aphrodite – it may be a little odd for the reader to be presented with Greek mythology and the DC universe in the same piece?

{1980}  One element that could be further developed is the narrator’s body language, specifically in the moment they nearly “flee” from the studio. By fleshing out this moment of tension with imagery –are they grabbing their things, or checking to see if anyone is looking, for example — this would therefore heighten the relief as “Aphrodite” glides towards them. Perhaps by paring down some of the opening narration, this would leave more room in the word count to explore this narrative shift.

You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.

Posted on by hrchow12

NYC Midnight Challenge – YouMask: Curing the Faces Only a Mother Could Love!

Youmask: Curing the faces only a mother could love!

May 2023 (First Round)
Genre: Sci-fi
Action: Putting something in a washing machine
Word: Card
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 100 words

I lean into my daughter’s dark room, proffering a hamper. “Laundry?”

I haven’t seen her face in weeks—her crooked smile and freckles discarded for today’s trending features projected from her omnipresent YouMask. And the stupid thing’s not even washable.

An idea flutters through me like a scrap of hope.

“Can I wash your YouMask before it stinks?”

With a sleepy grumble, she pulls it from her head and drops it in my basket. I force myself not to run as I cross the house and load the washing machine.

She’ll be furious tomorrow, but at least I’ll see her.

This one came in first in my group, getting me into the second round! The feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2024}  I enjoyed the illustrative language in this piece, as well as the mother’s narrative voice. I appreciated the context about the YouMask told to us through the title, and then through the mother’s perspective as her daughter’s “face” projects ‘today’s trending features.” I enjoyed how her nostalgia for her daughter’s features was at odds with her discomfort for ruining the technology for her daughter’s own good. i enjoyed how this piece explored themes of coming of age and social media / body dysmorphia.  

{2147}  The author’s strong theme of re-connection between mother and daughter in the face (no pun intended) of technology. That’s entirely a prescient reality and great subject matter. A clever use for the required word “card” – “discarded”. 

{2274}  This is very depressing and sad bur that’s what comes from the truth it is speaking. Children are becoming so stigmatized and judged for their appearance that this scenario is a plausibility in our future. The mother’s yearning to see her child is such a primal instinct and should be a joyous aspect of their bond. Instead an artificial barrier appears to disrupt the norm.   

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2024}  This piece has a great foundation. Moving forward, I am most curious about whether the daughter bought the mask, or whether the mother gifted it to her? I am curious what age her daughter is, and whether there is an age limit to the technology?   

{2147}  The daughter, sleepy though she might be, consents to have the mask washed. She herself takes it off and puts it into her mother’s basket. So tomorrow, why would she be furious? She’d be furious if the mother took the mask while she was sleeping. Under these circumstances, it’s more likely she’ll be surprised, irritated at best. To improve the story adjust this one way or the other so the daughter’s reaction is appropriate.  

{2274}  Creating a fully fleshed-out vignette within such a tight word count is very challenging. It’s difficult to explain all aspects of the moment, but I can tell that a genuine effort was made. However, I was left with the following question. How old is the daughter? This simple data point would add a great deal to the story since kids become even more self-conscious as they get older. So a ten-year-old wearing the mask would be even sadder than a sixteen-yea-old. This would only need to be a few words which could be taken from some of the adjectives and descriptive phrases in the story without diminishing any section.

You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.

Posted on by hrchow12

NYC Midnight Challenge Honorable Mention – 250 words – March 2023

When they’re ready

March 2023 (Final Round)
Genre: Open
Action: Shushing
Word: Blur
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 250 words

Life was busy, death was simple, but it’s the hereafter I can’t take.

I arrived in a blur of shattering glass and crunching metal—a spike of agony and then… weightlessness. For days, I wandered familiar streets disoriented and untethered in ghastly shock, until I found the remains of my broken family and wished I hadn’t.

I desperately wanted to tear my eyes from the pudgy four-year-old impatiently asking for me while her unshaven, red-eyed father tied a messy ponytail instead of a braid and forgot Mommy’s special lullaby.

But there was no one to soothe him when he returned to our oversized bed with tears streaming into his stubble. Even as I lay with my ethereal arms around his trembling shoulders, gently shushing his heartbreaking cries, he couldn’t see me—the powerless, spectral witness wondering what crimes we’d committed for such a sentence.

Yet the moment passed, and our grief eased with the whisper of the hourglass. Their omnipresent shadow, I guided Nick’s hands with my translucent ones as he learned to braid, and I sang my lullaby alongside him as he tucked Amelia into bed.

The seasons changed, and now sweet giggles lace Mommy’s song as they hum together while Nick braids Amelia’s hair perfectly for her first day of school. She gets on the bus, laughing as she waves goodbye. Nick and I wave back, and when he finally smiles, relieved certainty enfolds me.

The hourglass falls silent, and I’m weightless once again—a shadow no more.

This one got an honorable mention in the final round! The best I’ve ever done so far! The feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2104}  This was a sweet and poignant story. I particularly loved the middle paragraph in which you wrote, “Even as I lay with my ethereal arms around his trembling shoulders, gently shushing his heartbreaking cries, he couldn’t see me—the powerless, spectral witness wondering what crimes we’d committed for such a sentence.” It is a lovely piece of imagery. Well done.   

{1788}  The narrator’s point of view was handled skillfully, allowing the reader to see the limitations of her new form but also her close proximity to the loved ones she couldn’t touch. It was particularly effective when she wasn’t able to comfort Nick, her “ethereal arms around his trembling shoulders.” For a wife or mother, it’s an unbearable thought, but it was heartening to see how quickly Nick found the strength to tend to Amelia.

The change in Amelia and Nick’s attitudes was more than believable, and the author showed the passage of time very well throughout the text. Even learning how to braid hair can take many days, and the sight of her perfect braid and his smile were lovely final images. 

{2206}  A tender story of loss and love with a hopeful ending.

“I wandered familiar streets disoriented and untethered in ghastly shock, until I found the remains of my broken family and wished I hadn’t.” A powerful depiction of life after death; dead but not gone. Here but separate.

“…spectral witness wondering what crimes we’d committed for such a sentence.” The agony of these words, speckled with alliteration and read like poetry.

An exquisite ending of the healing power of time and help from the unseen world.

  {1943}  Oh my gosh, this was a heartbreaking, beautifully written story. Your opening was powerful – I loved the balanced sentences and vivid description as she arrived in the hereafter and eventually “found the remains of my broken family and wished I hadn’t.” This was fabulous writing – you had me hooked right from the start. The concept of her being physically with Nick, while also being unseen by him was heart wrenching – I had tears in my eyes at “Their omnipresent shadow, I guided Nick’s hands with my translucent ones as he learned to braid”. The idea of them having a shared grief – “our grief eased with the whisper of the hourglass” – was beautiful. This image of the hourglass was wonderfully evocative, especially as it fell silent to release her at the end. Wonderful!

  {2274}  The story depicts grief through a harsh lens with not only the daughter but the husband suffering. They are both lost without her and at first all she can do is join in ineffectually. Indeed, why such a sentence? But the story takes a nice turn when the mother can help “train” daddy to improve his mothering. The ending is bittersweet but closes the most pressing part of the grief cycle. Amelia and Nick will make it and mom is finally able to move on to where she belongs. It’s a complex arc with three fully developed characters for such a tight word count.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2104}  Other than the middle section which I referred to above, there is still more room for showing rather than telling in your story. By showing more, you allow your readers to delve more deeply into the heart of your protagonist’s emotions. If you are able to do so, you will take your already very good story and move it up to the next level.   

{1788}  The hourglass could still be a more potent symbol. If it’s an hourglass that only exists in her mind, the author might want to make it a more vivid property. How much sand is left when it’s first mentioned? Do the falling grains unnerve her? Is she ready when the hourglass falls silent? Even if it’s not real, try to make it a more emotionally resonant entity, something she and the reader can see changing over time. The author may even want to place it in the first half. It seemed like a missed opportunity not to make it a more integral part of the piece, especially since it’s in the story’s last sentence.

“When They’re Ready” is a moving and unique microfiction work. Once the author highlights one symbol further, it will be even more wonderful. 

{2206}  The opening line didn’t seem to quite fit the rest of the narrative. In one way, her death was simple, quick even with no effort on her part. But simple doesn’t quite capture the pain of it. Likewise, the first moments of the hereafter, described so powerfully by the writer, would have been very difficult to take, yet she is able to help her husband and daughter as well as witness their healing and moving on to new life, and she seems at peace moving on, too. I would recommend beginning with “I arrived in a blur…” and use the extra words to give the reader a peek of her new life.  

{1943}  I thought your story was excellent, and I found it very difficult to find anything major to suggest that you edit. Perhaps you could consider the transition to “But there was no one to soothe him” – I paused here to reread, wondering why there was “But” at the start of the paragraph. To me, it felt a little awkward that you moved on to consider “him”, as she’d been unable to tear her eyes from the child, not the husband. After I reread, I wondered if you meant that he’d soothed Amelia when tying her hair, whereas nobody was there to soothe him, but this connection felt tenuous. I was also curious about the transition “Yet the moment passed”, as again, the tone of this felt a little disconnected to the previous paragraph. Maybe editing these two transitions could create a smoother read, but honestly, I am nitpicking as your writing was outstanding. 🙂

  {2274}  There’s never a clear explanation about how the mother is finally able to act upon her family when she couldn’t in the beginning. In this world, is it just something that must be learned? Did her spirit become stronger? It’s challenging to attack all details within a short story but this detail is relevant to the ending and some fleshing out would help the reader feel the narrative arc is complete. To gain the word count, a little could be trimmed throughout by choosing what adjectives and phrases are less necessary.

You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.

Posted on by hrchow12

NYC Midnight Challenge – 250 words – December 2020

(An oldie, but I’m trying to clean up my NYC Midnight Challenge Post page.)

DArk TanGles

December 2020 (Round 1)
Genre: Drama
Action: Haircut
Word: Charge
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 250 words

Pulling a brush absently through her waterfall of midnight hair, Lyla’s deadened eyes stared at the sharp steel blades resting next to the bathroom’s cloudy mirror. With every brushstroke, another memory peeked through the shower’s lingering fog.

There was Josh, tall and handsome, curling a lock around a loving finger. Another sweep of the bristles, and he folded her into his warm arms, pressing his lips to the pale line parting the sable curtains of her waves.

Lyla pulled harder, breaking through the wet, crackling snarls, and a different mirror reflected back at her, spotless and bright, as she braided an ebony plait to cover the purpling bruise on her temple.

She yanked again, and Josh’s strong fingers clawed into her scalp to drag her across the kitchen, stray black strands sticking to the scarlet gushing from her nose.

Dragging the brush through the knots one last time, she replayed herself winding her curls under a stained beanie and boarding the musty greyhound bus in her desperate charge cross-country to finally collapse at her sister’s doorstep with matted, greasy hair still tucked under the dirty cap and the bruises yellowing around her eyes.

Sobs now choking her breath, Lyla threw the brush down in a jarring clatter. With a scream, she grabbed the waiting kitchen shears and hacked through the dark tangles of hair and memories, the heavy locks pooling at her feet.

Chest heaving and cropped hair jagged, she glared back at the mirror, eyes still swollen—but furiously alive.

This one came in 3rd place in my group, and I got to advance to the next round. The feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{1774}  This built with such compelling intensity. The imagery with Lyla’s black hair through the stages of her relationship with Josh worked powerfully to convey the escalating abuse and deteriorating bond. The violent haircut felt like the shedding of much more than hair. Well done!

{2024)  I enjoyed how the author incorporated the topic of domestic abuse into what could be a simple story about a haircut. I thought the transitions to the flashbacks through the strokes of brushing Lyla’s hair felt surprisingly natural and very cinematic. I appreciated that we could feel the build in tension from the absent pulling of the brush all the way to the hacking through the dark tangles at the end. I also appreciated the variety in the author’s descriptions / metaphors.

{1953}  I love how the author artfully used the mirror as a kind of time capsule (a very effective narrative-condensing strategy in such a short story)!

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{1774}  Lyla’s hair must have represented something Josh loved and used to his advantage. Share if he insisted on her wearing it long, exhibiting another area of control. That would make her hair liberation all the more sweet. To preserve word count, you might cut the “…matted, greasy hair still tucked under the dirty cap …” line, as you already describe her hair as she put the cap on before boarding the bus.

{2024)  My only confusion (super irrelevant to the plot) was about the texture of Lyla’s hair. It’s described as a “waterfall of midnight hair” and “sable curtains of her waves”. Then later as “wet, cracking snarls” and “curls”. It’s inconsequential to the story, and I appreciated the variance in descriptions, but the stray thought gave me pause while reading.

{1953}  I recommend that the author reserve elevated descriptive words for the most emotionally charged details. Lines like “the pale line parting the sable curtains of her waves” compete (in a less-than productive way) with the emotional impact of her “matted, greasy hair still tucked under the dirty cap.” While I understand that the author is trying to develop a contrast, it might be a more effective contrast if some descriptive language was trimmed back in the earlier lines about Lyla’s hair (ex: “the pale line parting the sable curtains of her waves”  could be pared down to “the pale line parting her waves”).

Posted on by hrchow12

NYC Midnight Challenge – 250 words – Feb 2021

(An oldie, but trying to clean up my NYC Midnight Challenge Entry Page since it’s getting crowded.)

Memories of lilIes

February 2021 (Round 2)
Genre: Drama
Action: Opening a laptop
Word: Show
Time Constraint: 1 day
Length: 250 words

Thanks so much to the Academy of the Heart and Mind for publishing this one! You can find it here. This was my 2nd round entry and did not place, but the feedback is below.

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2008}  This is a very well done story. It holds reader interest. It develops and unfolds effectively, and the reader does feel for the characters. The social comment is superior. 

{2007}  I love the details in this piece–the lilies from mom sparking the Google search, the suit he would’ve hated, his homely cat, and then the final moment where the narrator decides to send lilies to his grave. All of these things add up to a vivid world for this story to have happened in, and they make the piece more believable through their specificity. 

{2022}  The ideas behind this story are very poignant to read right now, for obvious reasons. I liked how you first depict the internet as a life-line connecting your protagonist to memories of past intimacy, and then as a vessel bringing a fresh sense of loss. That duality was powerful. 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2008}  It would be helpful to have more background information, especially in the first paragraph? And while it does not exactly matter, why do lilies remind ‘her’ of ‘him’? 

{2007}  Something you might add in revision, if you decide to revise, is some kind of interaction between the narrator and the ex through flashbacks. It’s hard to feel emotionally attached to someone we only see through a Google search, and it’s hard to feel sad about the death of someone we have no emotional attachment to as a reader–but a tender moment, or a heartfelt memory, will help to spark an emotional reaction in the reader. 

{2022}  Maybe this is just me, but I think there would be more narrative coherence in this story if your protagonist’s ex had died of covid–or if the irony of him dying in any other way during the pandemic were incorporated somehow. I think this would add an interesting coat of commentary.