(An oldie, but I’m trying to clean up my NYC Midnight Challenge Post page.)

DArk TanGles

December 2020 (Round 1)
Genre: Drama
Action: Haircut
Word: Charge
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 250 words

Pulling a brush absently through her waterfall of midnight hair, Lyla’s deadened eyes stared at the sharp steel blades resting next to the bathroom’s cloudy mirror. With every brushstroke, another memory peeked through the shower’s lingering fog.

There was Josh, tall and handsome, curling a lock around a loving finger. Another sweep of the bristles, and he folded her into his warm arms, pressing his lips to the pale line parting the sable curtains of her waves.

Lyla pulled harder, breaking through the wet, crackling snarls, and a different mirror reflected back at her, spotless and bright, as she braided an ebony plait to cover the purpling bruise on her temple.

She yanked again, and Josh’s strong fingers clawed into her scalp to drag her across the kitchen, stray black strands sticking to the scarlet gushing from her nose.

Dragging the brush through the knots one last time, she replayed herself winding her curls under a stained beanie and boarding the musty greyhound bus in her desperate charge cross-country to finally collapse at her sister’s doorstep with matted, greasy hair still tucked under the dirty cap and the bruises yellowing around her eyes.

Sobs now choking her breath, Lyla threw the brush down in a jarring clatter. With a scream, she grabbed the waiting kitchen shears and hacked through the dark tangles of hair and memories, the heavy locks pooling at her feet.

Chest heaving and cropped hair jagged, she glared back at the mirror, eyes still swollen—but furiously alive.

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This one came in 3rd place in my group, and I got to advance to the next round. The feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{1774}  This built with such compelling intensity. The imagery with Lyla’s black hair through the stages of her relationship with Josh worked powerfully to convey the escalating abuse and deteriorating bond. The violent haircut felt like the shedding of much more than hair. Well done!

{2024)  I enjoyed how the author incorporated the topic of domestic abuse into what could be a simple story about a haircut. I thought the transitions to the flashbacks through the strokes of brushing Lyla’s hair felt surprisingly natural and very cinematic. I appreciated that we could feel the build in tension from the absent pulling of the brush all the way to the hacking through the dark tangles at the end. I also appreciated the variety in the author’s descriptions / metaphors.

{1953}  I love how the author artfully used the mirror as a kind of time capsule (a very effective narrative-condensing strategy in such a short story)!

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{1774}  Lyla’s hair must have represented something Josh loved and used to his advantage. Share if he insisted on her wearing it long, exhibiting another area of control. That would make her hair liberation all the more sweet. To preserve word count, you might cut the “…matted, greasy hair still tucked under the dirty cap …” line, as you already describe her hair as she put the cap on before boarding the bus.

{2024)  My only confusion (super irrelevant to the plot) was about the texture of Lyla’s hair. It’s described as a “waterfall of midnight hair” and “sable curtains of her waves”. Then later as “wet, cracking snarls” and “curls”. It’s inconsequential to the story, and I appreciated the variance in descriptions, but the stray thought gave me pause while reading.

{1953}  I recommend that the author reserve elevated descriptive words for the most emotionally charged details. Lines like “the pale line parting the sable curtains of her waves” compete (in a less-than productive way) with the emotional impact of her “matted, greasy hair still tucked under the dirty cap.” While I understand that the author is trying to develop a contrast, it might be a more effective contrast if some descriptive language was trimmed back in the earlier lines about Lyla’s hair (ex: “the pale line parting the sable curtains of her waves”  could be pared down to “the pale line parting her waves”).