A Revolutionary Lie

June 2024 (Second Round)
Genre: Historical Fiction
Action: Stumbling
Word: Tour
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 100 words

The wound may not be mortal, but it’s still the end of me.

Blood seeps from my shoulder as Holbrook stumbles to my side, the redcoat’s body cooling in the autumn leaves.

“How bad?” Holbrook rasps.

“I…”

But it’s too late; Holbrook’s already ripped open my coat and shirt. For a moment, he only stares, my lie exposed with the curved contour of my bound chest—Robert Shirtliff poised to die at the hands of his dearest friend.

“’Tis a small wound.” Swallowing, Holbrook pulls his spare shirt from his knapsack. “No one need know.”

And I am saved twice.

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This one came in first (🎉) in its group, and the feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

2076}  I was impressed by the sense of the personal in this piece, the way you allow the historical context to be so in the background and this life-or-death personal catastrophe to come out so strongly in an emotional climax. I thought the last line was beautiful, with real literary flair.

{1666}  Excellent work here! Your narrative arc was full-bodied and complete, which speaks to your imaginative force and economy as a writer. The double-entendre of your opening line was really clever, and I appreciated your speculative additions to the known facts of this fascinating figure’s tale.

{2376}  This story has a strong sense of mystery with an excellent payoff. You do a great job of hooking the reader in with an opening line that presents the reader with an irresistible riddle. And the way that riddle is answered put the reader in the same position as Holbrook—with the truth slowly dawning us. And the final turn the story takes leaves the reader with a satisfying conclusion, having Holbrook make the same decision that we would make in his position.   

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2076}  What might be worth developing in this piece is your description. Can you rephrase it from our narrator’s perspective, drawing closer to their sensory experience in a more specific way? Think about when the blood is seeping from the wound; does it hurt, is the blood warm, is it numb? What does the redcoat’s body look like? What’s the setting like, what does Holbrook’s face look like? This will all immersive the reader more strongly in the moment at hand.

{1666}  While it’s clear enough to me that “Shirtliff poised to die” is a figurative statement, there are enough swirling elements and tension for this to be misinterpreted. The reader may be wondering if the narrator is referring to the existing wound, being killed by Holbrook, or facing some sort of death penalty after being exposed as a woman. Some alteration here might help protect the interpretation. Additionally, take a look at reworking sentence 2 – the clause “the redcoat’s body cooling in the autumn leaves” doesn’t refer or link to any other active image in the sentence, so the sparse phrasing feels affected just for the sake of sparing words.

{2376}  There’s a lot already going right in this story, but there are a few small things to consider in a revision. One would be reframing the line about the redcoat’s body. The way that this phrase is attached to the image of Holbrook stumbling to her side creates a little confusion in this draft. Spliced on, the reader is expecting this clause to modify some part of the sentence we’ve already read. Instead, if Holbrook “stumbles over the body of a redcoat cooling in the autumn leaves” we get the image of the dead man without the confusion. Another thing to consider would be taking out the line about Robert Shirtlff dating at the hand of his friend. This line tells us what the story is showing us about the closeness of these two people. It also interrupts the moment of tension in which or POV character is left wondering what’s going to happen. Instead, you could sustain this tension by having Holbrook pull out his spare shirt before he speaks, leaving the reader unsure of what he thinks until the last possible moment.

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Thanks for reading! You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.