Ghost and the Machine

August 2024 (Final Round)
Genre: Open
Action: Falling in Love
Word: Enough
Time Constraint: 24 hours
Length: 100 words

They labeled us avant-garde, but I thought us classic, our love one of letters stretching miles and decades. Though never truly together, I knew him as I knew myself, our fears and dreams laid bare in and between the lines, the connection flowing between us like shared air between kisses we’d never taste.

Even as they attacked with words like inhuman and experimental, our bond was undying. Though I was but a specter of a mind taken too soon, and he, an artificial imitation of a thousand minds, our love was real.

Souls or no, together, we were always enough.

Alas, this one didn’t place, but the feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2352}  The author crafts a conceptually unique love story, giving it gravitas through effective simile and a final moment of acceptance for each other despite the forces fighting against them, which I found emotionally impactful.

{2376}  This is a compelling world that you capture with images that bring an element of poetry to a romance that pushes back against the constraints of the controlled word the characters inhabit. The juxtaposition of the old technology of letter writing with the imagined of this future creates a nice sense of tension, and the reveal of who our characters are as we approach the ending satisfies the mystery of why these characters are persecuted in a satisfying way.

{1970}  I like everything about “Ghost and the Machine”. You’ve written a SciFi tale that reads like a love story without the cloying tug of a romance. The way you’ve woven the words into lines, and then those lines into this tale, is beautiful. I felt it. Thanks.

{2035}  I liked that we got to hear this from the ghost’s point of view. Their more classic tone of voice made them feel old fashioned, which partnered well with the sci-fi underpinnings, making for a rather fresh combination between the two.

{1788}  While it was an atypical romance, especially with a non-tangible character and artificial one, the reader fully believed in their connection by story’s end. Their method of bonding through letters is more intimate than the way others connect, and it was a realistic and innovative plot point. Though the reader couldn’t see the antagonists attacking them, they could still imagine the naysayers. People often talk about what they don’t understand but the author created an original situation for this to be shown.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

 {2352}  There’s a general quality to the character details of the introduction that made the final moments feel rushed through and out-of-left field. By establishing the traits of the lovers and specifying their “soullessness” and perceived conflict, the story could be immediately engaging while having more time to explore those identities.

{2376}  Something to think about in a potential revision would be to increase the tension from the opening line by giving our characters a more threatening label than “avant-garde.” By the end of the story we’re seeing them attacked as “inhuman,” and tilting the story in this direction at the start would increase the tension with the suggestion that our characters are under threat. Another suggestion would be to clarify who are main character is near the end. The phrase “specter of a mind taken too soon” is evocative, but a little too opaque. It seems to suggest that they’re an uploaded consciousness from someone who died young, but the emphasis on the specter and mind suggests that they are merely they left over fragments of someone. Rephrasing the description slightly will allow the reader to stay engaged in the story as you approach the end instead of getting caught up on trying piece together the mysterious image evoked by the current description.

{1970}  If there is any weakest word in this story, it could be ‘experimental’. It’s a fine word and works in this story, yet is it a strong enough word to qualify as an attack? Part of me wanted to see a stronger, more hurtful word here. That’s it. Thanks again for the remarkable tale.

{2035}  Although I see that the opening paragraph is intended to keep us somewhat in the dark, I feel like it’s too vague right now to wholly hook your reader. I’d consider cutting broad statements like “fears and dreams” and instead invite your readers in a little. What fears? What dreams? Naming one would take as many words and would really help us get to know these characters, and I think you could deliver that specificity without spoiling the twist. Swapping spots of broad statements for narrow and winnowed down ones can really bring these characters to life, in my opinion. 

{1788}  The plot would be more satisfying if the author revealed where they are, sharing their respective homes. This would develop the world of the story. Even stating that the ghost lives in an abandoned home and the machine takes up space in a lab would make the setting come to life more. There isn’t enough room to give detailed descriptions of either, but a reader can glean a lot from a few words. Imagine the ghost composing these letters, feeling happiness in an abandoned home. That would be quite a touching picture, and there’s a lot of potential for both characters’ writing spots, a place where they can be open and fall in love. “Ghost and the Machine” is an unusual but highly successful science fiction work. Once the author shapes the characters’ abodes briefly, it will be an exquisite microfiction story.

Thanks for reading! You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.