When we refused to burn

November 2024 (First Round)
Genre: Fantasy/Fairytale
Action: Evacuation
Word: Back
Time Constraint: 48 hours
Length: 250 words

The books sense the darkness first—but of course, they always do.

The dusty tomes slam shut in our hands, their silent scream streaking through the library’s shelves in a cold wind that rattles the lanterns. In the high tower, the Wisdom Bell clangs in baleful warning, and Keeper Marian shoots from her desk. “Quickly, girls, to the skiff.”

We rush through the ancient halls even as magic and fear thicken the air with clashing scents of parchment and fire. But while the other apprentices hurry out the postern gate and toward the dock, I hang back, clenching my trembling hands.

“I want to stay.” A drake’s screech rends through our bell’s defiant tolls, and I flinch. “T-to fight.”

When the riders come to burn our books, to destroy the magic that won’t bow to them, to erase the history they can’t control… how can I flee?

“This is but one battle in a long war, dear one.” Keeper Marian guides me into the skiff already packed with ghostly faces, her words fervent. “Today, you fight by protecting our most precious gifts. Tenacity, courage, knowledge, faith—these are things the dragons can never burn.”

As I row down the channel, another draconic bellow deafens our ears, but though the girls cringe, they make no sound. Through the inky blackness, the Keepers’ golden magic glows as they stand upon the library’s stone walls. Proud. Strong. Even when a reptilian shadow falls upon them, they do not falter.

And neither do I.

This one came in 8th place this time, and while this piece could’ve used another revision, I think it’s going in my story-seeds for the full novel treatment. The judges’ feedback is below!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{2410}  There were some wonderful sensory descriptions here that helped bring this story to life with a dark, fear-drenched atmosphere. The narrator’s defiance comes through clearly against this backdrop. And the dragons destroying the books to limit knowledge felt like a solid metaphor.

{2274}  As a Librarian, I loved the concept of protecting knowledge at all costs. This is a real event throughout history, invading forces would destroy libraries to fragment the culture. The final imagery of the Keepers glowing with power and standing bravely in the face of potential destruction is a powerful image. It’s one which will inspire the next generation who flees at this point to later take a stand.

{2459}  I see the protagonist “hang back.” I see the act of evacuating a library. The protagonist flees a library attacked by dragon riders. Exploring themes like resisting tyranny and sacrifice, the story’s stakes are mortal peril and safeguarding the library’s legacy from destruction. The central conflict feels split between Man vs. Self (the protagonist’s internal struggle to fight or flee adds character depth) and Man vs Monster (the dragons pose a mortal threat). Set in a library, there’s an undercurrent of another theme — the enduring nature of knowledge — and the importance of preserving it. The author does well in creating a thick tone, creating a magical ambiance through evocative descriptions. The personification of the books, how they “sensed” the darkness, was an evocative and beautiful opening. The dramatic tension created in the moments of flight from the library propels the story forward. The emotional depth created by the protagonist’s fear contrasted with their desire to act bravely adds gravity to the character. There’s a bittersweet ending where the protagonist and her fellow apprentices witness the Keepers’ sacrifice against the overwhelming force, juxtaposing loss and hope. The vivid description invites the reader into the story. Lines like, “The books sense the darkness first—but of course, they always do,” “The dusty tomes slam shut in our hands…,” “Magic and fear thicken the air with … scents of parchment and fire,” “In the high tower, the Wisdom Bell clangs in baleful warning,” “Through the inky blackness…” These descriptions are excellent examples of subtle world-building — showing us the world and its depth rather than bludgeoning us with exposition. The library is painted as a living, dynamic force, and I’m thrilled to be there. Personified, weighted with its history and place in the protagonist’s world, we mourn for its loss as the protagonist flees.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2410}  I was a little confused at the end over who is standing on the library walls. The “they” here seems to refer to the girls, but since the narrator is rowing down the channel they also seem to still be in the boat. If this is another set of people, you may want to clarify that. You may also want to clarify if Marian is sending her magic out from the boat, or if she has returned to the library after getting the girls on board.

{2274}  Overall, you’ve described a people and their powers quite thoroughly for the tight word count. A long war is established, and the role of the students within the war. Yet is there any motivation missing from the tale? Do the people on the dragons merely fear their magic? As dragon riders it’s not an off assumption that they too possess some degree of magic. I would like to know ore about the war. Perhaps some judicious editing toward the beginning of the story would free up enough words for Keeper Marian to succinctly describe the basis of the war? The paragraph beginning with “We rush through…” could be condensed some without destroying the passage’s impact.

{2459}  Critically, the protagonist’s lack of agency diminishes the story’s emotional weight. As I mentioned, one aspect of the central conflict is Man vs Self, yet the character doesn’t make a pivotal choice or face a significant obstacle to reinforce their rising bravery. They hesitate, debating whether to flee or fight, but the Keeper quickly discards their concern to leave. This diminishes the protagonist’s role in the story’s resolution as the decision is made for her. Further, while there’s an external threat (the second conflict, Man vs Monster), the protagonist never directly confronts or overcomes it; her journey to safety is passive. Without engaging in either conflict, the protagonist’s growth from experience feels like a narrative assumption rather than something earned through a struggle. The ending line, “And neither do I,” doesn’t carry much weight. I’d ask the author to look at my story synopsis (“The protagonist flees a library attacked by dragon riders.”) to notice the absence of choice and confronting conflict. In effect, the protagonist in this story runs down a hallway of things that happen around them. They don’t engage with events but, instead, witness them. When you read a story where the protagonist’s agency is curtailed and the events unfold around them, it can feel like it isn’t engaging or emotionally satisfying. It can feel like nothing happened or there was nothing terrible to overcome. I’d ask: how can you insert even just one challenge to either conflict so the protagonist makes one decision, one genuine choice on their own? Example: save a relic; save a fellow apprentice, or convince them of something; maybe make the Keeper’s argument less definitive, allowing the protagonist to choose what to do — maybe they choose to leave out of conviction rather than obedience? There’s also a technical matter concerning the POV. The story’s written in 1P (First Person) but experiences a slip at the end, moving into a stylized omniscience. From a distance, the protagonist seems to sense the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of the Keepers’ (plural), although the protagonist is physically distant. The head-popping creates a bit of narrative confusion at the end. Finally, there’s a dramatic emphasis on sound throughout the piece (“silent screams,” “the Wisdom Bell clangs,” “A drake’s screech,” “draconic bellow deafens,” “they make no sound.”). Its frequency created dissonance for me, so much that I’d anticipated _sound_ somehow being a part of the narrative journey, right up to the end. I’d encourage the author to look for repetition when editing and consider how some of these instances might call for a different sort of description or sacrificed to insert the protagonist’s choice.

Thanks for reading! You can find the rest of my NYC Midnight Challenge entries and feedback here.